When I was turning five years old, my parents bought a crying baby doll for my birthday. This was the early 1980’s and a crying baby doll was a big deal.

My parents were so excited to share this gift.

My mom would laugh telling this story about this doll to me, because she stated that the baby doll cried for only one day. My parents took the batteries out of the doll on day one, because I would scream and cry if the baby cried.

I am now 49 and will leave a store because of a crying baby.

My empathy runs deep. I think most humans feel empathy but in others it can be debilitating.

I know I am on the debilitating end.

One week ago, one of our pet goats was stricken with listeria. I don’t know much about listeria but what I have learned is that it is usually a death sentence to goats.

Scott and I became vet techs overnight. We were instructed to give our sweet boy shots twice a day in the neck. Then, I found myself syringing water and pureed food into a resistant goat. Listeria attacks the central nervous system and it moves fast.

I thought I could win against mother nature. I thought I could beat the stats on the death rate for goats with listeria.

I was wrong.

We tried so hard to keep DJ alive and I was resistant to euthanasia for some unknown reason. I just didn’t want to give up.

DJ declined fast.

The night before his death, I knew it was only a matter of time.

I went out to the pen after a soccer meeting for Allie. I syringed over 10 ounces of water into DJ and some mixture of veggies and yogurt.

I had to hold his head up but he swallowed with desperation.

I felt him slipping and my heart melting.

I couldn’t sleep that night. I knew that he would possibly be dead in the morning.

I got out of bed at 5am. I put my coveralls on and headed to the pen.

DJ was in the same spot as the night before and was crying. My heart was shattered. I truly hoped he was gone to stop the suffering.

I had all the supplies but placed everything aside because I knew it was time.

DJ was laying on his side and crying, I placed a blanket over him and put pressure on his limbs. He was shaking and trying to stand.

I watched his belly. I watched his breath, it was shallow.

I watched this before in my mom. I watched her breathe. I watched her breath become slower.

I sat in the cold, on the goat pen ground, watching DJ breathe. I sat still. I could only hear him.

The sky was deep with stars and I told DJ he picked a perfect morning. He picked a morning of stillness.

DJ didn’t want the sickness to win. DJ fought to the end.

I pressed his body with my weight to let him know I wasn’t leaving.

His breath got slower.

DJ was such a vocal goat but the listeria had stolen his voice. However, he was now at the end being more vocal than ever.

DJ took his last breath at 8:00am.

I was shattered and at peace. It was just us. I told DJ how proud I was of him. I told him he was such a huge part of my children’s childhood. I thanked him for allowing us to be his people.

DJ was a pet goat. However, he was more than a pet. DJ (and Tabbi our other goat) were staples in our childhood chapters. These goats are apart of the image I hold in my mind of my children. This image is Evan, Anna, and Allie running in our yard playing. This image is filled with DJ and Tabbi, chickens, 4 wheelers, laughter, tag, Nati and Ella.

Now DJ is gone, and those chapters are gone.

Maybe, I was so resistant to putting DJ down because I don’t want these chapters to be completely over. But, the reality is I can’t control the end.

I covered DJ with one of Anna’s blankets. Scott came home and we picked a spot for his body. This spot will be hit with the sunrise. This spot is where my children ran, played, and grew.

DJ taught my children more than they will ever know. Pets teach empathy, work ethic, and responsibility. Pets teach children about death.

DJ taught me that I am still that little girl with so much empathy. DJ reminded me that I can’t control everything and he reminded me that my children had an amazing childhood.

Under the stars that morning, I had such an appreciation for this world Scott and I created for our children. A world that comes with laughter from a silly goat, teamwork to complete chores, and empathy for all living creatures.

DJ, you will be missed, you big bully.