I think we need some leaves by the fireplace opening, I can drink the milk but you need to eat the cookies, I think the fireplace doors are opened just right…

Shhhh, I think I hear someone in the bathroom.

We pause. We giggle.

We have never been caught. We have perfected the art of sneakiness.

For the last 17 years, we have spoken these words. We have tried our best to make Christmas perfect for our children.

Frosty, Hunter, Flake, Snowball, and Rudolph are our magical owls. They fly around our house from the moment the Christmas tree is brought in. The owls stay until the tree is taken down.

They are our “Elf on the Shelf” owls.

These owls are messy, mischievous, and adored. My mom bought the first few owls. We decided to make them magical when Evan was a baby. We only used one so that we had a backup owl.

When Evan was around 7 years old, we went shopping. At the time, we only had Frosty flying around the house. We went into a store and he saw an owl that looked just like our magical owl. I winked at the sales person and asked, “Are your owls magical”? She looked at Evan and said that they were in fact “Magical Owls”.

The wonderful sales clerk used tissue paper to grab the owl and wrap him very carefully in paper. Because the owls are magical, you can’t touch them.

Evan got into the car and sat with the brown bag in his lap. He was so gentle. He was completely over taken with joy, worry, and excitement. He named the owl Hunter.

With each passing year, our owl family grew in numbers.

When Evan was headed into the 7th grade, we decided to tell him about Santa. We told Evan because we were worried other kids would make fun of him for believing.

Evan was in his bunk bed and Scott and I went into his room. I already had tears in my eyes. We told Evan that we were actually Santa.

He looked confused.

“Are you the Easter bunny too?” Evan asked.

“Yes.”

Evan started to tear up. Scott got so upset he left the room. I was so overtaken with emotions I could barley breathe. Evan’s face was filled with utter sadness.

However, I had a solution. I told Evan he could help me and his dad keep the spirit alive with his sisters. He could help move the magical owls and make messes that I would never allow otherwise.

And, that is what he did.

I thought the experience of telling Evan would prepare me for the girls.

And, it seemed to be much better with Anna.

Anna already knew. I could tell by her demeanor that she knew way before she was told.

Allie will be twelve soon. Allie still believes.

Allie is the last one to know.

I mentioned to Scott that we should maybe tell Allie soon.

Just speaking those words took my breathe. I started to cry. My chest was so tight.

Why is this so hard for me?

I see the end of this chapter as a huge loss. A loss of innocence and joy.

Magic is lost.

I have experienced so much emotional pain in the last few years- However, this is one of the hardest.

As parents, we watch our children grow and change but when huge chapters end- it is often too much emotionally. I see them all changing, which means we have to change.

I battle fear. Fear that everything is going to fast. Fear of not seeing the next chapters. Fear of society overtaking my children. Fear of the happiness leaving their eyes. Fear that I wont be able to see them experience the same joy with their children.

It’s more than Santa. It is the loss of ones childhood. It is the loss of a part of my motherhood.

With guidance (from my wonderful friends), I have decided to not tell Allie.

I may tread the waters differently with baby number three.

Maybe she can come to me. However. I am not sure what I would say just yet.

My forties have had a lot of shitty moments. A lot.

Motherhood is the hardest. Motherhood is like swimming in sand.