Three days after I had a mastectomy, my surgeon wanted me to take the bandages off.

The first thought to enter my mind – HOLY SHIT!

Things were a bit foggy for the first two days after my unilateral mastectomy. I had never been sedated and had never under gone surgery.

I am a mother of three children. I have tried my best to live a clean, holistic, and preventive life style. When I was pregnant with my children, I was over-the-top. I ate as well as I could and decided from day one that I would have an unmedicated, natural birth. Everyone thought I was crazy. Except my mom.

Like my mother, I had all three children naturally- not even an IV. I was determined to bring my children into the world unmedicated and alert, as well as myself!

Surgery and sedation were all new to me. I was scared, anxious, and fearful that I would never wake up after my mastectomy.

My husband and I went to the hospital around 5:00am. We were there for roughly 5 hours. A mastectomy is an outpatient surgery. Yes, I know, crazy!

The number one rule was that I had to use the restroom on my own before I was able to leave and this happened right after I woke up.

I wore a red flannel shirt with buttons down the front. When I took my gown off to change into my flannel, I had a huge white bandage across my chest. The bandage was tight but it gave me a sense of security.

I had a drain tube that was implanted on my right side, about 6 inches below my armpit. This tube was inserted about 10 inches into my side and traveled into my chest. At the end of the tube was a bulb (it looked like a grenade) that collected fluid from my chest. I was instructed to empty the bulb two times a day and a keep a log of the fluid amount.

It was day three and the bandages needed to come off. After speaking with my surgeon on the phone and getting instructions on bandage removal, it was time and I was terrified.

This white bandage was protecting my incision but it was also protecting my emotions.

This bandage was a shield against my new reality. I had made the decision to remove my boob and I wasn’t sure I made the right choice. Did I go to extremes? Did I make a radical decision?

Regardless, I was about to remove this barrier.

Scott and I got into the bath tub. We filled the tub with about 5 inches of water. Now, if you know my husband, this isn’t a task for him. Scott hates blood. Scott even hates the sound of a heart beat.

I could tell he was nervous. I was nervous and afraid…afraid of everything. I was afraid of what was under this thick, white protective layer. I was afraid of Scott’s reaction. I was afraid of my reaction.

I took a robe rope and safety pinned the drain tube to the rope and draped it around my neck.

We turned off the water.

We both were breathing heavy.

I closed my eyes, and Scott started the bandage removal process.

He had gotten the last piece off when I opened my eyes.

I looked at him for a reaction- what does he think? Oh, Man…do I look gross? Dammit!! What the hell has happened?

But, Scott looked normal. He looked relieved. He was so nervous about my pain level, he was just happy the process was over.

Maybe his face and body language didn’t match the thoughts that were racing in his mind. Maybe he was sad. I wasn’t sure.

But, what I know is that he was protecting me from any negative thoughts. He was kind. He was thoughtful.

I was proud of my husband.

I was proud that he was protecting me. His face gave me comfort. I knew it was okay. I was (and am) proud of his heart.

We joked- Scott thought my remaining boob looked so big! And, it did seem bigger. We laughed.

We were then quiet and calm.

We sat in the bath for an hour.

The incision that ran across the right side of my chest was about 7 to 8 inches long. My chest was numb. It was tight. I had a difficult time lifting up my right arm.

Scott asked me if he could wash my hair. I turned around, my back facing him. Tears begin to roll down my face. I was so grateful .