I honestly had never seen a mastectomy scar in person. I only knew one person that under went breast cancer treatment and I had no details about her journey.

I always worried about health issues, but not breast cancer.

I have one maternal aunt that was diagnosed but it was about one year before my diagnoses. I, stupidly, thought that she must have done something that increased her odds.

When my husband and I went to speak with my surgeon, we were given options. Yes, you get to decide. And, this decision isn’t as simple as wearing a red shirt verses a blue shirt. My surgeon gave us options that included a lumpectomy or a mastectomy.

We listened to her speak about the different options and what they entailed. I had heard of a mastectomy but didn’t know much beyond the definition. I can remember saying in the past- “Oh man, If I ever get breast cancer, I am going to just cut my boobs off!” And, here I was sitting across from the women that was going to do just that.

I pondered on the choice of a lumpectomy versus mastectomy for about one week. I googled and googled, which was not the best idea. However, I needed to see what was about to happen to my body. I was so naïve to the entire process. When I googled mastectomies the images were so vastly different. I never thought of a unilateral mastectomy. I thought if you take one, you would take the other. Who has just one boob?

In a journal I made two columns, one labeled lumpectomy and one mastectomy. Under each, I listed the pro’s and con’s.

Mastectomy won.

Why did a mastectomy win? The first, I just wanted the damn thing off! I thought about the abnormal cells in my boob. I thought about the tumor getting bigger and bigger. It was like a bad relationship that you just wanted to end.

I also wanted to avoid radiation. If I chose a lumpectomy, I would have to have radiation (which I ultimately was unable to avoid due to lymph node involvement). And lets be real, my personality doesn’t allow room for error. A mastectomy, in my eyes, was removing the problem. Now, I know that isn’t necessarily true but it helped with my anxiety management.

I also made a fear column. I must admit, Scott (my husband), was a major source of fear. Will he be okay with a wife with one boob? Will he think I am gross? How will he handle this extreme body disfigurement?

Will he still love me?

On July 9th, 2020 I had a unilateral mastectomy. I was left with just one boob.

The days that followed my mastectomy were emotional and foggy. My kids were confused about my behavior. They had never seen their mom unable to perform. I was always on my game.

I had to sit.

I had this huge bandage across my chest that protected me from reality. I felt safe with this bandage. However, on day 3 they were removed and the journey to reality started.